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Irma - The Authobiography of a Model Mother in Law.
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Irma – The Unwanted Autobiography of an Exemplary (or is it unwanted?) Mother in Law

I was born in Laugheed near the small village of Irma in Alberta, so named in anticipation of my birth. The family lacking imagination, named me Irma. Laugheed had unfortunately already been taken by my older sisters: Laugheed Sweety, Laugheed Sweety Junior and Laugheed Sweety the Other (there was also Laugheed the udder, but that was the cow). I was born Irma Sweety on the ides of an unknown month during an unknown century. The concept of century had yet to reach our part of Alberta. Collectively, our family of 12 had enough fingers and toes to figure out the hundred count required for a century with three toes and four fingers to spare - combines, thrashers, scythes, prairie dogs, gophers, can openers and sibling bites can be treacherous - that was not the problem. The difficulty is that the idea of “concept” was unknown to us.

I should mention that we also had a bull named Irma. He mooed with a high falsetto. He did not reproduce. Apparently we could not have it both ways. As they say in Alberta, “you can’t barbeque the prairie oysters in the summer and expect calves the following spring. We learned our lesson. We barbequed the prairie oysters one at a time.

The family was close. We had to be, no one else would talk to us and the house had only one room.  At night, sitting around by the fire - the family hovel burned down in the thirties -we sang the family song “Lets all sing like the Sweeties sing, sweet, sweet, sweet.” TheSweeties had been evicted from Scotland, Ireland, tarred and feathered out of the US before settling in Canada. This allowed us to add the initials UEL (Utterly Evictable Lot – AKA United Empire Loyalists in polite circles had we been admitted in any). There were many occasions when the Canada Council for the Arts, within its mandate to upgrade the social fabric of Canada, sent us suitcases and boat tickets to far away lands. We pawned these.

After a happy childhood, I was admitted to normal school on a cattle rustling scholarship.  Cattle rustling was not the family’s first choice. Our environment led us to it. No one raised sheep near Irma and the nearest bank we could have robbed was too far away.  Environmental influence is now an accepted judicial concept that could have reduced many of the sentences imposed on members of our family. Alas, it came too late to be of much help to us.

After graduating from normal school with a teacher’s licence, I set out to find fame and fortune.  I had a severe handicap. I had been born without anything positive to offer the world. Looks, personality and brains had passed me by. Yet, using the few assets I had, through perseverance, I managed to achieve world renown.  I became a top model. I was the best and most prolific in my niche.  I posed for totem poles.  My likeliness can be seen in front of the best tepees, inside museums and at the entrance of many cheap souvenir shops.  It came to me naturally. Versatility got me there. My left profile resembled that of a frog, my right that of an eagle while the view of my face from the front was often mistaken for a salmon.

Modelling is not my only claim to fame.

For three years in a row, I proudly wore the title of “Miss Congeniality” for the Alberta chapter of the Hells Angels.

Also, I am in the Western Canada Dwarf Tossing Hall of Fame in recognition of my achievements in that sport. I must confess that as a grade 1 teacher, I had many occasions to practice. Many claimed I had an unfair advantage.

In another field, my wanted poster was so popular that every post office and police station in the country placed it in a prominent position.

Later in life, my exceptionally talented and charming son in law used his influence to name me Honorary Battle Axe of the Canadian Army in Germany. He was the commander, but nepotism is acceptable as long as it stays in the family. I am credited with single-handily putting an end to the cold war. When the Russians were made to realize that I would be part of what they would gain from the conquest of the West, they abandoned their quest. Deterrence works!

Enough said above fame and success. I married “what his name” in the early 40’s even though he was in the Air Force. We had two daughters – Maurene the excellent and Shelagh the pious who was named after my brother who dressed funny. The eldest married extremely well, way above her status, Shelagh married "Him". "Him" was a descendant of Doctor Livingston. I find it unfortunate Stanley found the ancestor and Shelagh found the descendant. When Maurene married Pierre, my parole officer accused me of social climbing. I resented that.

I was a paragon of elegance. I taught my daughters that the best way to make an impression of grandeur, opulence and nonchalance with a mink coat was to drag it on the floor when entering or leaving a room. It never fails to work. Once when leaving a chic restaurant using my technique, I attracted a lovely young man. He was in a police uniform. I thought he was a male stripper until he kindly explained to me that he did not need a five dollar bill and would I please not put it there. He also claimed that the technique of dragging the mink while walking out would be more appropriate if I had walked “in” with a mink coat. He also mentioned that dragging three coats was an excessive demonstration of opulence some might mistake as greed. Two years less a day later, I was free to resume my technique but was severely handicapped by the scandalous lack of closet space in the country’s halfway houses.

I cannot claim sole credit for the invention of the “mink drag”.  Part of the credit of my discovery is due to a quart of cheap gin and a dozen beers. Actually, it is wrong to refer to the gin I drink as cheap – not when quantity is considered. The rumour that distilleries offered me a bulk quantity discount is slanderous. They did however build a rail siding near my house.

Both my daughters had beautiful children. I loved them dearly. I assiduously sent them cards on their birthdays and at Christmas even when I was in solitary confinement at the penitentiary.

Whenever bail conditions allowed, I was active in the community. I was an enthusiastic activist in the Women’s Lib Movement until I realized “Lib” was not the abbreviated form for “Libido”.

I graduated from university at the age of 59, nearly 39 years after I enrolled as a full time student. The University gave up. They have no endurance. I have a degree.

My success in business was cut short when I could not recall where I had put the patent application for my “Do it Yourself Lobotomy kit”.

I spent my retirement years playing bridge and bragging about Pierre my son-in-law.

To ensure my immortality, he who greatly enhanced our gene pool arranged for a species of insect to carry my name. I suspect he had ulterior motives. He wanted to perpetuate the joy he experienced when little girls would scream in fright at the sight of an” Irma Sweety”. He also wanted to enlarge the market for the Irma Sweety repellent he had spent years to develop. It took four years for entomologists to find a suitable species. The rumour that this long delay was due to insects hiding to avoid being named after me is not conclusively proven. I personally believe that humility motivated their behaviour. Eventually a “very rare dark brown plant bug” (the coinciding resemblance in uncanny) was caught off guard. It now bears my name - Orthotylus Flemingi. Which of both of us should feel honoured is still under debate. I find it appropriate that its habitat includes the Anarchist Mountain of British Columbia. Also it is from a genus described as having  “cosmopolitan” (the magazine I read – another coincidence) and “predator” (my style) characteristics.

Now that I have attained my eternal reward, I spend my time lovingly gazing at the family I left behind. I do not take my eyes off them regardless of the pain in my neck from having to constantly look upwards.

Editor’s note.

Sadly, Irma did not achieve her life-long ambition of being the last of her loved ones to die. She transformed into a dearly departed in 1999. Her granddaughter arranged for a bursary to be awarded in her name by the fer Alma Mater. Pierre resolved the problem presented by the high cost of purchasing a repository for her ashes by arranging that the recipient of the bursary would be charged with the custody of the Urn during that year. Irma is now finally fully participating in the University social life. There, she is at the height of her popularity.